behind these hazel eyes...

Ever feel like nothing good can happen and even when it does, something always seems to bring you down? Welcome to my world lately. Things with Travis were just confusing me because in my own little world i'm not happy with myself and many other things so I have to figure some shit out before i can be happy with myself, and with someone else. I know it sounds wrong, but in my head, i've been comparing him to Stephen. Its hard and it hurts a whole lot. As much as i hate to admit it, i miss him. :( So even with the hopes of hooking a camp job this summer, i dread seeing he and kyla together because i know that my heart is going to break all over again. 

I've also seemed to isolate myself a lot more lately. Even from Jessica. I mean she has been there for me whenever i needed her since last fall and I guess she is busy with her own stuff, but we don't talk as much anymore. Neither do Jaclyn and I. We were always close, but that changed over the course of this year. They are busy, and i had a lot of time on my hands, but just didn't seem to do anything with it. Another person i miss is the one person who knows absolutely everything about me and who has seen me at my best and absolute worst, Allison. Until recently, we were still really close, but it seems, like everyone else in my life, we've drifted and i hate that more than anything. She means the world to me and it hurts knowing that we hardly talk. I guess a lot of this is probably my own doing, but i want to change it.. i just don't know where to begin...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!!!! :D

Hope you have a great day hun!!!

I hate kids that don't listen! Well, they aren't really kids.. tey are all at least 13 years old so they are old enough to know when to behave themselves.. but they just choose not to when they are in my company. I feel like pulling my hair out rather than be around them and have to deal with all their stupid ass bullshit they get on with. So, I gave my few a good talking to on respect issues yesterday and i'm hoping it worked. My head can't take another crazy practice like that one.. :S I'm sick of it and i dont need to be stressed out at the moment... not good for me at all!!

:) I now have a bf.. wooot! *does a happy dance* I don't think i've been this happy.. in a VERY VERY long time!!! *le sigh* It all happened in the course of a weekend. I'm very glad i went out this weekend! lol Went to the social with Jaclyn and Jess, which was a laugh. Had drinks bought for me.. had a few too many.. loved the alcoholic gummy worm shots.. and got pinned against the wall outside and made out with! :) thats how it began... Then we went downtown.. another drink bought for me.. did a lot of dancing.. and some more kissin.. overall.. it was a great night! So Sunday rolls around and we still hadn't quite figured out what was on the go.. so we were just like.. meh.. its official now! As weird as it was.. i'm happy about it. He compliments me all the time even though i feel like i don't deserve it and he makes me smile! :) wooot!

In other news, just came back from a walk and it started to snow! :) yay Love snow because snow brings my birthday! Too bad a certain boy won't be around for it. Stupid winter workterms.. But its all good. At least i know he won't forget like a certain ex of mine..

That is all.. and Stephanie.. UPDATE DAMMIT!!! :P

<3 J

Well, things with T are pretty great. We are currently just friends because i am still a little uneasy about jumping into another relationship. But he's a nice guy and makes me laugh a whole lot. Apparantly he liked me this summer but he was just after breaking up with his girlfriend and knew i was distraught about Stephen so he didn't say anything. He was a bit afraid to tell me (as i just found out) which i think is kinda cute because i'm the same way when i'm in situations such as that.. :) *le sigh*

School is shittier everyday because physics is getting harder and math gets more boring! Feel like i'm drowning in a sea of equations and numbers! Hope it gets better after Christmas.. but wait.. there's Calculus.. *dun dun dun*

Things were so much easier in high school..

<3 J

seeing as i was told to write every day.. here goes.. :P Most of my weekend was boring! Worked a music seminar yesterday from 8:30-5 and needless to say it was a LOOONNNG friggin day. Kids playing glock.. drummers drumming upstairs. what a headache! but it was worth it because the cadets did learn stuff and i got paid! *happy dance*

sad/scary dream last night. Josh hated me because a certain boy at school who i have no interest in WHATSOEVER kissed me and Josh got all jealous and mad and wouldn't speak to me and hated me! :( that made me super sad and when i told him today he was like "awwww muffin no worries.. i love you!" :) and gave me a big hug. it was a little scary to think of it because I can talk to him about pretty much anything.. so it would be sad if we didn't talk. :(

In other news, was chatting with "boy who likes me".. I shall call him T, yesterday and he was telling me about his Saturday night adventures downtown as elvis and how drunk he was! I got mad at him for it because he isn't gonna have a liver left by the time Christmas rolls around!! but anyhoo, I was playing duck hunt (like the old school duck hunt) and I sent T the link and his friend got playing it so he wasn't replying to me so i sent him all these random messages and emoticons about being mad with him and all this shit, only for him to send me an email after I logged off apologizing for not writing me back because his friend took over his computer in a duck killing spree. it was cute.. :P I don't know what to make of it all yet. I mean i know T's a nice guy, because I was around him all summer on my workterm (when he wasn't in the engine room) but its definately a thought.

Anyhoo.. thats it.. i guess.. just sitting here waiting to go the fuck home out of this place.. *yawn*

<3 J

Well, Steph you should be proud of yourself! I am officially on LJ and its all your fault! lol gotta play around with some pictures though.. i'm afraid the one i have now might be looking a little creepy! *shrug*

Aside from that order of business.. my love life (or lack thereof) is starting to take its toll.. don't know how much more I can handle this "being alone" business. What makes it worse is that I know HE and Kyla are happy.. although she is a good friend of mine.. but i've dealt with that. Just don't know how well i'll deal when I see them together next summer.. *DUN DUN DUN* Should be.. interesting. However, there is a certain person at school who I know likes me, but I don't know what to do about it.. STEPHANIE HELP! *pout*